Southern Sun
by keeponwritin
Summary: I got really impatient sometimes, and waiting around for the truth to rain from the sky got really tiring. one-shot.


A/N: So, I like obscure, unloved characters. Title's from, actually, a Paul Oakenfold song that I dig. Enjoy, or something.

I'd _never_ been the type to fall for my brother's friends. I didn't even partially give up the tomboy thing until mid-grade six. Before that, Gavin's friends thought I was so cool, and I'd join them and play video games and hockey and all these other sportsmuch to Gavin's dismay. Besides getting a little peeved when they couldn't tackle me in football, they all seemed to think I was the coolest little sister around. I didn't see anything wrong with playing with Barbies and playing hopscotch at recess; it just wasn't really my thing. One of those guys, my brother's friends, could've liked me, for all I know, and I'd never have a clue. They were too much like brothers for me to think about them that way. Two years seems like a lifetime when you're in grade five. My only former crushes before a year ago were anime characters and guys I was sure I had no shot with. The point is, I'd become completely numb to the cuteness of any boy I'd ever come in contact with. It was like, my subconscious way of not falling into that, oh-no-I've-fallen-for-my-best-guy-friend dilemma.

I've been trying to reverse the damage since.

If I didn't let myself have stupid petty crushes now, when I got marriedwhich, I guess I planned on doinghow would I know it was real? I wouldn't put it past myself to have no idea I'm not in love with the guy I'm marrying. Sometimes, I just end up jumping into things because they seem fun and exciting, only to later realize that everything I thought about everything was wrong. Maybe I've been around Gavin too much. I'm losing all my common sense by the second. What kind of girl can't distinguish between harmless flirtation and serious romantic vibes? ...Apparently, that'd be me. It didn't help matters that this was one of those drawn-out situations where things go on for months and then it finally hits me like a ton of bricks at the worst possible second. I got really impatient sometimes, and waiting around for the truth to rain from the sky got really tiring. But it came to me like Peter Pan at my window: inviting, leaving me curious and needing to explore. I would never know what it looks like in this unknown territory unless I went there. That's all I had to do, it seemed. Go there and test the waters. How hard could it be?

Painstaking. There were a lot of boys, I guess, that I'd met and thought, Oh, well, they seem simple enough for me to figure out.' It had always seemed that way to me. I'd always just had this idea that girls were so complex and fascinating, and boys were simple-minded and dull. Maybe it came from those nights at home on the couch, leaning against the arm with my elbow and thinking about things. And mind you, this was years before I started thinking about boys, and a while before I even had to start thinking and worrying about school-related stuff. All that really went on in my life was sports and family, and maybe the occasional annoying teacher. Yet I would sit there on the couch and ponder stuff. Meanwhile, right next to me would be Gavin, sitting there, mindlessly eating Cheetos and watching some cartoon that had come on after Powerpuff Girls. He was two years older, so you'd think he'd have things to worry aboutgirls, or weekend plans, or homework or something. But nothing. And so I always just felt like all guys would be like that. I mean, I wasn't stupid. I knew Gavin wasn't exactly at the top of his class. But I was proven right, the one time I did try to figure out a guy. This time it was Toby. He never really wanted to hide anything, so that made things a lot easier. He'd make these secrets, but every time, it seemed he was just sitting there, waiting for someone to guess them. I played along, most of the time. I couldn't blame himI doubted he really knew what he was doing. But we broke up, and that was that.

So then I've always thought that was the way it was. Get into a relationship, then play along with the boy's annoying habits until you can't take it anymore. I never understood any mutuality between girls and boys. I never saw any deeper connection than just, I like you, you like me, let's go out. Until I noticed him.

I wish I remembered the first time I saw him, or met him, or said anything to him, but the truth is, I don't. Because in the beginning, he was just... a boy. Just a new friend of Gavin's, maybe one that would've patted me on the head and treated me like a little sister, if this had all happened when I was eight. Instead, I was twelve, and he was fourteen, and apparently at this age, two years wasn't so much. Apparently, there wasn't much weird about a boy his age dating a girl my age. So I don't remember much about how I took to him. It was that sort of awkward acknowledgement. I'd see him in the halls and recognize him, but actually saying something was crossing some imaginary boundary.

Even before I cared, I always remembered this... thing that happened, in the very beginning of grade eight. Soccer practice had ended late, and it was beginning to rain. I was walking down the empty hallway to my locker in my muddy cleats. I didn't think anyone would be around, except maybe some custodians and some weird teachers I hadn't yet met. So I hummed to myself; nothing loud or fancy. I turn this last corner and he's just standing there. Standing there in oblivious bliss, in a black T-shirt and worn-in jeans, his hair falling in his face. He looked like a shot straight from an emo video, but something kept me from moving. I stared. I stared for a while. Maybe I stared for forever. Probably not. He noticed me, though, while I was still staring. The corners of his mouth twitched into the faintest echo of a smile. It took me a second to realize it was directed at me.

he said. I was still a good 10, 15 feet away from him. He seems farther away, when I see it in my mind.

I stammered out. Every thought I had seemed to literally incinerate in my mind within the second after I thought it. I couldn't string together exactly what to do anymore, or what to say, or how to act. Do you need a ride home or something? My mom'll be here soon, and we can um... take you. His mouth seemed to twitch upwards a little more.

No, I'm okay, he said. But thanks. I kept standing there. The conversation couldn't be over. It had only started. He had to have something more to say to me than that. It took me a while to get the hint, but when I did, I continued walking along the path, right past him, flustered. When I'd packed and walked back the same way again, he wasn't there.

I guess that's when it started. Or that's just when I stopped denying my interest in him. It was too messed up for me to think about. It was just like me to pick a guy who'd gained school-wide fame as the cheater, the liar, the total honest-to-God scum of the earth. Besides, girls never _really_ developed crushes on their brothers' friends. It was just an appealing concept used in cutesy Hilary Duff-esque tween movies. And when it did happen in movies, the guy was Mr. Prince Charming, as always. He didn't do the things that Craig Manning had done.

Gavin would kill me. He has that unexpected protective older brother' thing. Even when they were still friends, I think he knew that Craig was danger. And after all, this is the boy who wouldn't let me go out with Toby, who's about as dangerous as a gerbil. And now, now that Craig's also one of that group, the group who'd left him ostracized after everything that's happened this yearhe'd kill me for even thinking neutral thoughts about Craig Manning.

Even without all of the brother drama, what was I doing? I couldn't actually fall for someone like him. I liked things low-key. The second any girl steps towards him, they make the Grapevine front page. And what did I even know about him? How could I like a boy I'd said five, maybe six words to? These questions had yet to stop bouncing off the sides of my mind.

This is what it leads down to. Me being here, in foreign territory, forced to think back on everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything. With the type of girls who acted like prosecuting attorneys when it came to this stuff. Did it really matter if I liked someone, or if I'd kissed anyone, or what feature I found on guys? No, but somehow, I was still here in Darcy O'Sullivan's basement, huddled with the rest of the pack on the coarse carpeting. It smelled like floral fragrance and buttered popcorn. She's All That was muted on the television, Freddie Prinze Jr's pouting face suddenly stricken with silence. I cursed Nadia in my head, for making me agree to come to this, only to call me at 10 o'clock in the morning to inform me of her sudden A fuzzy baby blue pillow brushed against the top of my head awoke me from the unplanned moment of introspection.

Darcy said in the middle of a breathy gasp. She then giggled a little bit, perhaps realizing I hadn't actually been hurt. Sorry, Kendra. I smiled acknowledgingly, maybe forgivingly, back. I tried to return to my thoughts, but I was too soon distracted by their little ponderings.

Nice one, Dar, Chante said, from beside me, laughing. Way to hurt the innocent girl! This caused another eruption of giggles, mostly from Darcy. I chuckled, a little. So we already know the cute guys in _our_ grade... Darcy and another girl with blonde pigtails yelled out in unison. More giggles followed.

But... upperclassmen? I felt a lump in my throat. I guess I was hoping too much that they would just talk about Chester Hosoda all nightwith whom, for the record, I found no positive attributes. I mean, he was my partner once for some thing in math class, and he wasn't even that nice. But what was the possibility, really, that they would bring up Craig? And why did it even matter? I didn't _like_ him, anyway. Not in the way these girls liked guys. It wasn't the same.

Everyone sat there for a second, thinking.

Jimmy Brooks is kind of cute, the blonde girl shrugged.

And totally taken, Chante giggled.

Another pause. They wouldn't.

Okay, you guys, Darcy whispered. You have to totally swear this will not leave this room. Because I don't want anyone getting like, freaked out because of it or anything. Like, cross your heart, hope to die, that junk. Okay? Scattered of course's filled the room. She paused, then grinned cluelessly. I held my breath. Craig Manning is totally to die for. Then I let it go.

Ohmigod, Dar!' Chante whisper-yelled. Manny would so kill you if she knew. You know she like, hates him.I know! That's why you guys can't tell. I mean, I know he cheated on Ashley or whatever, but he's just so... hot. Giggles galore. I felt cheap. Just to sit here, and know I was fawning over the same boy as Darcy O'Sullivan. Darcy didn't understand any of it. She didn't know about his dad or Downtown Sasquatch or how he's bipolar, or anything. She just knew he was hot, and that was all she needed. I felt cheap.

Kendra, you've been awfully quiet, Chante said, smiling. I feared that face.

Yeah, I... I guess I have, I replied, looking up briefly before looking back down at my bare fingernails. They all paused, sporadically giggling.

C'mon, Kendra, you have to like _someone_, Chante went on.

Yeah, isn't your brother like, friends with a lot of hot guys? Darcy added. I resisted the urge to laugh. Not anymore, I said in my mind. Ohmigod wait! The carwash! The cheerleaders' carwash thingy. Your brother played the drums! And, and Craig sang! Ohmigod, are they in a band together? I sighed, mentally. I smiled a little, playing along.

Um, they broke up, actually, I went on, nodding.

But still, wasn't he like, in your house at some point? I sat for a while. I stared at the TV screen. I stared at my fingernails. I completely evaded the question. I pretended I hadn't heard. Oooh, Kendra! I looked back up suddenly. I think you liiiike him. Light years passed, yet again. My mind went on overdrive. Spinning and spinning, my heart endlessly thumping against my insides. I saw their faces for just a moment before I even dared to speak.

I... really have to go, I said abruptly, picking up my bag of clothing and standing up. I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say, all the things about how much I didn't really like Craig, and about how I had really, really good excuses as to why I wasn't talking. I never got to give them, though. I tried to speak, and all that came out of my mouth was babble. So maybe I did have feelings for Craig. But it was all so stupid. What was the point? He had a girlfriend, he had a life. He didn't have time for his ex-friend's little sister. I was just there. I was nothing to him, and I'd never had a problem with that before.

I could feel the cold, wet street through my flimsy slippers. I don't remember, how I got past Darcy's parents. Maybe I told them I lived across the street. Maybe I ignored them. I somehow felt I wasn't right anymore. I was being torn apart by something, something intangible. The sky was murky blue-gray twilight. The road was empty. Everything was silhouettes and shadows. And I had no idea where I was.

PS - Darcy's last name is property of my love Amy, aka love-fool. Yay for that.


End file.
